The Best Medicine

Three guys are in line to get into the Christian version of Heaven, and Peter is at the gate to meet them.

"You three are borderline cases. Before you get in, you have to pass a test. So for heaven or hell, what's easter?"

The first guy scratches his head and then announces, "The fat guy in a red suit handing out presents!" And instantaneously he is engulfed in flames and disappears. The second guy swallows hard and think a moment, then declares "Kids dress up as ghosts and go collect candy!". Flames. Disappear.

Third guy thinks a little longer than the second one, but then brightens and begins to speak. "The son of god was born as a man and came to earth to spread the story of redemption and the promise of god, and he was killed by the Romans and laid in the tomb, and on the third day he rose from the dead and he rolled the giant rock away from the tomb and walked out the risen son of god!!!

"But then he saw his shadow and went back in for six more weeks."

And this one's a sight gag. At the punchline, you have to cover your ear with your free hand... Here goes:

A blond comes into the ER with a gunshot wound to her palm. The somewhat smitten intern asks her how she did it, and the blond explains. "This perm sucks, my boyfriend turned gay and left me, my dog ran away, and I just ran out of cookie dough to eat in front of a movie with ice cream - comfort food and all - and I was just miserable and finally decided to end it. So I got a gun and was going to blow my brains out, and then I thought to myself OH THIS WILL BE LOUD!"

Stop me... no, really.

Knock knock.

The interrupting cow.

The interrupting--

MOO.

I can't believe I forgot to type "Who's there?"

I knew there was a reason I saved that joke...

My latest mildly blue fave is a quip from Gary Shandling. This guy goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, my penis is burning!"

The doctor replies "That's because someone is talking about it."

I can say no more...

Well as long as the topic is penises...

Bill Clinton was out jogging one wintry day, when he noticed the words "Clinton SUCKS" written with what had to have been piss, right there in the snow outside the White House. He is enraged, and sets the Secret Service to discovering the perpetrator. Days later, he gets the report. "Mr. President, we can say without doubt that the urine used to write the note came from Jesse Jackson. We have matched its DNA." "That bozo!" said Clinton, "Good work, boys, but why the glum faces?" "Mr. President, we're sorry to say, the hand-writing was Hillary's".

This is a true life joke:

I was in an intense negotiation to sell a commercial building. After a long day of negotiation the deal was signed. As I was leaving the conference room, one of the buyers said "Do you guys realize we just screwed the great "ExPat" out of a prime property, it's time to celebrate!".  I turned and smiled and said, "You might have screwed me, but you still paid twice what the building was really worth."

Well, you had to be there............. 

Gordon Died

Gordon died. So Susan went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Susan what she would like to say about Gordon.

Susan replied, "You just put, 'Gordon died.'"

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Gordon died?'

Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Gordon. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We really should say something more."

So Susan pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "O.K., then. You put 'Gordon died. Sailboat for sale.'"

Two guys are out walking their dogs. It's evening and they get thirsty. As they near a pub, one guys says "Hey we can get a beer!" The other guy says "They won't let us in there with these dogs." So the first guys says "I bet they will, watch this!" And he pulls out a pair of sunglasses, puts them on, and goes into the pub and orders a beer. No problem.

So, the second says "Well, if he can do it, I can!" So he finds his sunglasses in his jacket pocket, puts them on and walks into the pub and orders a beer. The bartender says "You can't bring that dog in here." The guy says "But it's my seeing-eye dog!" The bartender replies "They don't use chihuahuas for seeing-eye dogs."

The guys says "They gave me a chihuahua?"

That reminds me-know why blind people don't skydive?

Scares hell outa the dogs!

Was that wrong? Sorry...

I just flew in from New York, and boy are my arms tired! But seriously, folks, I remembered a really corny joke i like...

A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Steve?" (rim shot)

Horse walks into a bar, the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

bada boom!

(I was a bartender many moons ago, I heard so many of these, but still I love em)

Why do blonde nurses carry a red pen?

In case they have to draw blood...ouch!

Has anybody heard the one about Joe Smith, the man who knows everybody? It's long and corny, but I love it.

This happened about a month or two ago near Lonavala and even though it sounds
like something out of the X-Files or from an Alfred Hitchcock movie... it's
real! This guy drives from Mumbai to Pune and decides not to take the new
expressway as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and when he
reaches the ghats his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from nowhere. Having
no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to get a lift to the
nearest human habitation. It's dark and raining and pretty soon he's wet and
shivering. The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains are so
strong he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car coming
towards him. It slows and then stops next to him - without thinking the guy
opens the car's door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leans forward to thank
the person who had saved him when he realizes there is nobody behind the
wheel!!!

 Even though
there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine, the car starts
moving slowly. The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming
(remember, this is in the hills and there is a steep,steep drop beyond the
curve). Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.
He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears
through the window and moves the wheel! The car makes the curve safely and
continues on the road to the next bend. The guy, now paralyzed in terror,
watches how the hand appears every time they are before a curve and moves the
steering wheel just enough to get the car around each bend. Finally, the guy
sees lights ahead. Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the
silent, slowly moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the
lights.It's a small town. Wet and in shock goes to a roadside dhaba, which is
open, and asks for a drink.They find some hooch and give him a shot. And he
starts telling whoever is in the dhabba about the horrible experience he's just
been through.

 A silence
envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn't drunk, and is really
frightened - he's crying and shaking. So they give him more hooch and talk about
what they should do, whether to call the police or find a priest, or what. But
just then two guys(santa & banta) walk into the dhaba. One says to the other
"Look, Banta - that's the guy who got in our car when we were pushing it."

Okay - I include this one because it is as old as the hills in the US of A - but recently, the version above arrived via a friend in New Delhi - and I loved the slight changes that had been made to place it in context for her country!  Humor is everywhere! 

Did you hear about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic?

He lays awake all night wondering if dog exists... 

OK, so a guy is walking down the street with his 7 year old daughter. They pass two dogs in that comic position. The little girl asks her father what is going on.

The father explains "The one in the back has apparently hurt his legs, so the one in front is helping him walk.

"Isn't that the way things always are?" the little girl says "Try to give somebody a hand and you end up getting screwed."  

A woman goes to see her hairdresser. He tells her it is time for a New Look, with a cut, a dye job, and a perm. She explains that she is saving her money for a trip to Rome and only wants him to trim the ends.

He tells her "Don't go to Rome. It's dirty and expensive. Let me change your hair instead."

She explains that she has a package trip, including  a stay at the Excelsior Princess, just up the street from the Vatican.

"Darling, I have seen the Excelsior Princess and it is a horrible dump. You'll go to the Vatican and you'll be in a room the size of Madison Square Garden.  Please save your money."

She refuses and he does the trim.

A few weeks pass.

She comes back in. He asks "So how was Rome?"

Oh it was PERFECT. The hotel was newly redone- you could just barely smell the fresh paint. The dollar was up that week. It was wonderful.

"How about the Pope?" 

Well, we were standing in line and a little door opened and this guy came out and told us that the Pope wanted to see just a few people at a time, so we followed him and we ended up in a room about as big as this one- just me,. my three friends and the Holy Father.

"And how was that?"

It was marvelous. He took my hands in his, then he held my face in his hands and he looked at me for a long time.

"And what did he say?"

He looked at me and smiled in this sad way and then he said "Who screwed up your hair?" 

Call me weird but my first reaction to this topic was (as always) to look up 'laughter' in the wikipedia.  (Let's see if this link works...)  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laughter/  .  Interesting article!

HERE IT IS, THE CLASSIC SHAGGY DOG JOKE.

In the days of yore, a knight was on his way to do something terribly important, riding his horse into the ground to get to his destination as fast as possible.
After being ridden too hard for too long, his horse became lame, and seeing a small town ahead he headed straight for the stables there.
"I must have a horse!" he cried "The life of the King depends upon it!"
The stablekeeper shook his head. "I have no horses," he said. "They have all been taken in the service of your King."
"You must have something - a pony, a donkey, a mule, anything at all?" the knight asked.
"Nothing..... unless.... no, I couldn't"
The knight's eyes lit up. "Tell me!"
The stablekeeper leads the knight into the stable. Inside is a dog, but no ordinary dog. This dog is a giant, almost as large as the horse the knight was riding. But it is also the filthiest, shaggiest, smelliest, mangiest dog that the knight has ever seen.
Swallowing, the knight said "I'll take it. Where is the saddle?"
The stablekeeper walked over to a saddle near the dog and started gasping for breath, holding the walls to keep himself upright. "I can't do it." he told the knight.
"You must give me the dog!" cried the knight. "Why can't you?"
The stablekeeper said "I just couldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."

Such a perfect day for this topic! Morning all! I've been laughing all morning and now find all these fantastic jokes greeting me here.

Can I ask one question of you all, though? NOT to slow down the pace of the fun. Please, more.

But I have this essential Larry David-ness that makes me feel awkward when someone begins a formal 'joke.' It's the harsh break from the organic conversation, like they've just pulled a top hat and a cane out of their bag and are about to tap dance. Does anyone else get this feeling?! Remember in the Curb episode where his manager's wife wants to give him (Larry David) the grand tour of their new house and he squirms. It's awkward. I get that. I feel the same when a joke 'begins.' Performance empathy? Maybe. I feel that way when I am at the ballet or watching figure skating, too. OH GOD DON'T FALL, I am thinking.

After the joke, I'm glad they've told it. And I laugh. Sometimes awkwardly if it involves a sexual reference that I don't get. Remember, lock and key for many years.

And it's not that I don't laugh, I do. Often. But I honestly prefer jokes that are born out of organic banter between two people and a group.

By the way, speaking of laughing, watch It's Always Sunny In Philidelphia last night. I chose (on www.hulu.com) "The One Where Charlie Goes America All Over Their Asses." So flipping funny. Laughing right now just thinking of his face when he announces to the gang that he's "going to go America all over [their] asses."

Ahhhh. . . .

Such a good day.

Happy joking, gang.

Here's the link to that show. You might have to sign up for Hulu. It's worth it. And free. Tons of good jokes to be found in this show.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/25446/its-always-sunny-in-philadelphia-charlie-goes-america-all-over-everybodys-ass#x-0,vepisode,1

One good link deserves another. Speaking  of comediens if you haven't discovered, the unfortunately now deceased Mitch Hedberg, it's not too late. Go here.

 http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

 A sample:

"I
saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know
about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the
commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell
they were."

I cannot tell a joke......

I do have great admiration for those that do tell good jokes effectively.

When it comes to actually "telling" a joke, I would rather suffer a bout of brain freeze that was brought on by sucking down a sixty-four once, semi-frozen, raspberry slushy in thirty seconds though a straw.

My sense of humor has always been of the situational, spontaneous, spur-of-moment, out of left field, frequently wicked variety that suddenly pops out of nowhere and often in the most inappropriate moment.

Therefore, for today's discussion, I shall be the silent "Teller" to your "Penn Jillettes" and just enjoy the show. And I promise I won't heckle.

I've laughed a bunch already today and I thank you all.

PeterLake!

You get the performance anxiety, too! Did you read my Larry David-ness question? Loved the Penn and Teller reference, by the way.

Too good.

Awkwardly laughing with you,

Miss Ive

Most of my favorite funny stories are the sort you need to tell in person.  It just doesn't work when written.  So I thought about my favorite funny e-mails.  They are well known of course but funny is funny.  I think my favorite is this:

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

A man and a friend are playing  golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip  onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to  the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his  eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that  is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are  a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah,  well we were married 35 years.”  

Great topic. 

Good one, Gia!

 What do you do when you see a spaceman....

 You park, man.

My fave young comic thesedays is Dimitri Martin:  Here's something from him that I appreciate:

“Employee of the month” is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I'm not big on telling jokes myself either.  I tend to find more of the double talk done in M*A*S*H or the in the series jokes told in Arrested Development funnier than telling a joke.

I love the Allen Burns, Abbott & Costello bits funny also.  I always liked the scene from "a Damsel in Distress" when Gracie tells Goerge he has a phone call & he asks

"Who is it?" 

"its a Hawaiian"

A Hawaiian 

"Yeah ~ He said he's Brown from the Morning Sun."   

Jokes like that make me laugh.

My favorite stand-up comedian has always been Steven Wright.

"I spilled some spot remover on my dog and now he's gone."

"I came home today and everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica."

"I sat down on the bus yesterday next to this beautiful, blond, Chinese girl.  She looked upset.  I asked her what's wrong and she said 'I got bad news at my therapist's office.' I asked if she wanted to tell me about it and she said 'No, you're a total stranger.'  I said sometimes it helps to open up to a stranger.  She said 'Okay, I'm a nymphomaniac and I'm only turned on by Jewish cowboys.'  I said, 'What's your name, child?' She said 'Diane.'  I said, 'Hi, Diane.  I'm Bucky Goldstein.'"

Miss Ive,

Yarp!  That's me all over.. . .  and I know I'm a very obvious fake laugher in response to not-so-very-funny jokes and there usually isn't anyplace to hide when it happens.  Time always seems to stand stil, especially when you can't detect that the joke is finished..... ouch!

Larry David is one of my heroes.

To EVERYONE Else,

None of this applies to you...... ALL of the jokes so far have been great ....really good...... honest they are . . . .  still laughing. . . . got a smile on my face...... very, very,........very good.....

 Be very well ;) and keep smiling!

PeterLake and All,

Yes. All have been wonderful. Have passed a few along!

Gia, I passed your golf joke along to a group of 16 men who are getting together tomorrow for bachelor party on a golf course. Thought it was fitting. Too funny!

PeterLake,

Do you ever do this—you hear the joke, on TV or in person, and people look at you and say, Why aren't you laughing? And you say, I am, just not out loud! I often laugh inside and forget that people need that affirmation.

Am now laughing at myself. A favorite pastime.

Miss Ive,

In that situation I've found that if I just nod my head. cough/choke just a bit for effect, and say something like "Now that's a good one!.......  I'll have to rember it so I can use it ....." usually gets me off the hook and everyone seems to be satisfied.  

The things we do.........

Miss Ive,

or..... if you just lower your head, and slowly shake it from side-to-side while groaning, .... people seem to accept that as a favorable response..... especially if you are the only one in the room that is sober at the time.

PeterLake,

I do those things, too. But, at times, I forget. And honestly, it's because I actually enjoyed the joke. So much so that, I forgot to laugh!

I generally start playing it back in my head right away, as with most words. . .

Ahhhh. . .

The other day, MissIve and Peter Lake were playing golf when Dread Pirate Roberts...

You see? Millions of jokes have been recast as funny stories. And, of course, many jokes are actually riddles.

Do you know the difference between oral sex and a sandwich? 

Would you like to have lunch, then?

National Lampoon used to feature an occasional column called Professor Kenilworth Vs. the Joke, in which a fairly innocent, perfectly funny joke ( the definition of Endless Love? Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis) would be subjected to annotation and analysis, which, while destroying the humor of the original joke, was actually pretty funny- like much of Larry David's behavior on Curb.

Nobody has mentioned the people who knew each other and all of their jokes so well that they told them by number. One poor guy stood up as the laughter had subsided from the previous effort and said " 45" and nobody much laughed- because some people just don't know how to tell a joke.

Supposedly, the Internet has removed our incentive to learn jokes, since they are all stored there somewhere, but remember Steven Wright's admonition on having everything: Where would you keep it?

Does anybody remember the jokes for these punchlines?

I was talking to the pig.

So I asked her for a little head.

If I could do that, do you think I'd be asking for _____?

Not by that exact name, no.

No, but if you hum a few bars, I can probably pick it up. 

"Two kinds of people wear sun-glasses indoors... blind people and assholes..." ~Larry David

To: Willie Trask,

Bill Clinton certainly had some great lunches in the Oval Office.........I used to believe (like Gordon Gekko) that "lunch is for wimps".  Now I'll have to reconsidered those lunch dates I always turn down.

You're never too old to learn a new trick......thanks!

In a clumsy attempt to knit the last two topics together, herewith a tale told to me by a Jewish friend, so I think it's ok to repeat...

(you can all supply your own accents)

A Frenchman, a German, and a Jew were lost in the desert. After much difficulty, they finally found their way to civilization, and rushed into the first shop they encountered, which happened to be a tavern. The German reached the publican first, and said "I'm tired, I'm thirsty-I must have beer!"

The Frenchman staggered up close behind, and said "I am exhausted, I thirst, I must have wine!"

The Jewish man drags himself to the bar, and gasps "I'm so fatigued, I'm so thirsty-I must have diabetes!"

Heiress, that reminds me of the dyslexic blues guitarist who went down to the crossroads at midnight and sold his soul to Santa...

So,  a fish runs into a concrete wall and says, "Dam!"

A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says, "I'm lookin' fer the fella that shot my pa!"

How do you get holy water?  Boil the hell out of it.

If you like clean comedy, check out the Regan brothers.  Always good for a laugh.

My family and friends like to collect blonde jokes for me (yes, I am a blonde). So, I'll share the "latest" with you....

A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says "oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?"

The blonde replies "Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex."

The man responds "Huh.. that's interesting.. why did you name them such names?"

The blonde sighs and shakes her head "Everyone keeps asking me the same thing... duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??"

P. S. I bet you thought there would be a different line after...." oh my, you have such beautiful dogs"....

sorry, I got caught up in the moment....

"Every hole was the same -- hit the ball, drag Charlie."

"And St. Peter says to Bill Gates, 'Oh, that was the beta version.'"

"Gosh, we never heard that one before!"

"Next time, widen your stance and use an interlocking grip."

"There are WMDs in Iraq!"

all pretty silly punch lines...

Socialism, Communism, and Capitalism agreed to have lunch together.  Communism and Capitalism showed up on time but Socialism was late.

"I'm so sorry" she said to her friends, "I had to stand on a long queue for a sausage."  Communism replied, "What's a sausage?"  Capitalism replied, "What's a queue?"

If I feel the need for some heavy duty, laughing out loud, shooting milk out of my nose comic relief, a Peter Sellers "Pink Panther" marathon always works for me.  Inspector Jacques Clouseau is a classic.  I may add a dash of Faulty Towers to the mix.

Peter,

Strangely enough, I have yet to see a single episode of Faulty Towers (though I always hear great things).  For British comedy though, I'm always a sucker for BlackAdder.

My "ex" is a blonde so I love blonde jokes (La Donna is the exception to any blonde joke, mostly because I've made her an honorary brunette)

Three blondes were stuck in an elevator.  After a few hours one blonde turns to the other two and says maybe it would help if we could all yell together.  After they all took a deep breathe they started to yell "Together! Together! Together!"

Okay, so there's this bar with a magic mirror. The mirror sucks into it anyone who tells a lie. One day a brunette walks in and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." The mirror sucks her in.

Another day, a redhead walks in and says "I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world." the mirror sucks her in, too.

Then as blonde woman walks in and says "I think...." and the mirror sucks her in.

Mr. P, you started this whole thing and it is like what Adam said to Eve..."Stand back, I don't know how big this thing is going to get!"

We also enjoy the jokes that have punch lines that can then be used in general conversation, at least with those that you know are aware of the whole joke.  Such as:

Billy Bob went to the county judge and asked if he would marry him and one of the Johnson twins that Friday.  The judge said sure.  Billy Bob asked how much it would cost.  The judge said $10.  He replied that he would have to ask his brother, his financial advisor. He returned and said that would be fine.  So on Friday, they were married.  On Monday, he returned and said there had been a terrible mistake.  He had married the wrong Johnson twin and could the judge have that one anulled and then marry him to the other Johnson twin.  He said sure.  Billy Bob asked how much.  The judge replied $10 for the anullment and $10 for the second marriage.  BB said he would have to ask his brother, his financial advisor.  The judge didn't hear from him all week and finally called on Friday.  BB said that he wasn't going to change things because he had asked his brother (his FA) and his brother had said that he had slept with both of the Johnson twins and there weren't $10 worth of difference between them.

So when we have a decision to make, it is often just the Johnson twins and we go with what we have. 

To: Spinner.... did Adam really say that to Eve?

Kidding...just kidding folks! 

Having recently married a blonde and finding myself with a beautiful blonde stepdaughter, in addition to a blonde son, and my daughter the art student who I never know what hair color I will find, I must share another blonde joke.

So the blonde walks into a New York City bank and asks an officer for a $5000 loan for one month.  The officer looks puzzled but guides her through the paperwork, noticing her jewelery, clothing and shoes.  When the process is done he asks for some sort of collateral at which point she hands him the keys to her car.  The said car is outside and a new Mercedes convertable.  A quick check by the bank finds the car indeed belongs to her and owned free and clear.  The officer signs approves everything shaking his head and the car is parked in the back of the bank garage and the woman leaves.

 Four weeks later she returns to the bank again dressed to kill, tanned and smiling.  She asks for the interest on the loan and is told $20.  She settles up in cash and the banker sends someone for her car.  As she is getting in his curiosity gets to be too much and he asks, "Why did you go through the trouble to take this loan?"  She smiles and says, "Where else in NY can I park a car for a month for $20?"

 But then again I also love elephant jokes:

Why do elephants paint their toenails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

 Ever see and elephant in a cherry tree?

They hide pretty good, dont they....

Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, and Descartes walk into a bar for a drink. The bartender turns to Søren first, who answers "Either a beer or a whiskey. Let me think it over." Next is Nietzsche, who without hesitation orders a beer in the loudest voice possible. Turning last to Descartes, the bartender offers a suggestion. Wine perhaps? "I think not," Descartes replies, and in a blinding flash disappears.

And why doesn't the Pope take showers?

He doesn't want to be seen as looking down on the the unemployed.

To: unhinged....

yes!...a TRUE blonde joke!

All the kids in the class were taking turns asking the Sister questions about Adam and Eve. After everyone had asked their questions with the Sister answering each one, a small boy asked the Sister "What did Eve say to Adam after they realized they were naked?" The Sister scratched her and answered "...that's a hard one isn't it."  

I don't know how anybody could not laugh at the dry humor in Curb Your Enthusiasm or The office. Fantastic shows with great lines. A couple of quick knock knocks:

Knock knock.
who's there?
Nobody.
Nobody who?
...

And from an episode of Scrubs, the janitor thought this one to himself:
knock knock.
who's there?
Nurse Mop-head.
Nurse Mop-head who?
You are a nurse and you have a mop-head

You probably had to see it to laugh, but the janitor on the show is very worth watching.

Fluke - The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom, holding the boat in place; also, any occasion when this occurs on the first try.

Cruising - Fixing your boat in exotic locations.

It has been my experience that a joke interrupted is not ever worth finishing. Also, if I have to go back and explain the joke it becomes not funny anymore.

Two snakes are traveling down the road and one says,
"Are we poisonous?"
The other one says,
"I'm not sure, why do you ask?"
The other replies,
"Because I just bit my tongue."

A piece of string goes into a bar and asks for a beer.
"Hey, get out of here!" shouts the bartender, "We don't serve your kind in here."
In great frustration the string goes outside, and in his anger he ties himself into a knot, becomes unravelled at both ends, and then goes back into the bar.
"Hey, aren't you the one I just threw outta here?!!" The bartender shouts.
The string replies with great indignation,
"I'm a frayed knot!!"

A collage student is walking through town when he notices a clinic with a sign out front that says,
" Medical Volunteers Wanted. $500."
So he goes inside and sees a lot of people walking around in lab coats carrying clipboards and such and inquires about the sign.
"Well, we want you to go over in that cage over there and have sex with that female gorilla while we take scientific data."
The student is quite shocked and says,
"You want me to what?" Whereas the scientist explains the experiment once more.
"Well," said the student, visibly shaken, "I'll do it under two conditions."
"What are they?" asked the scientist.
"First of all, I don't want anyone to find out about this. That just can't happen." To which the scientist agreed,
"Don't worry, we don't even take your name. Just height, weight, age and such. What's the other condition?"
The collage student replies,
"It's going to take me a couple of days to come up with 500 dollars."

ExPat, that was a favorite back in jr high...

Hadn't heard about the blues guitarist - excellent!

Good jokes to remember here everyone, thanks! 

oh, Tiberius, not the "frayed knot!"

Heiress - Frayed so. %)