How to Make Perfect Gravy

Gravy, a wonderful word.

Three ingredients, flour (self rising Martha White), crisco, and whole milk, mixed properly and in different proportions, yeild biscuits and gravy.

Oh yea!

gravey aint wavey

spelt thata way because , "scram, gravy aint wavy" was tm'd   in Smokey Stover's fire house

Until recently, when Ivan mentioned milk in a gravy recipe, I'd never heard of such a thing. Any method that gets the stuck on bits & fat out of the roasting pan, thus making it a less daunting prospect when it comes to washing up, is a good thing. English gravy is the pan juices, a little flour & good stock, maybe some herbs, maybe a glug of wine. A milk-based sauce would be made separately - a bread sauce or a cheese sauce. Why do tubs of frozen stock always end up at the bottom of the freezer? If you are not very tall, a couple of minutes rooting around reminds you why the thing is called a chest freezer.

Where I grew up, GRAVY was the Red stuff that Italians put on Pasta and Meatball Sandwiches ... What people erroneously call, Sauce ... Sauces are White, or almost Clear, and a lot thinner than Gravy ... In the South we have Sawmill Gravy and Redbone Gravy(sometimes called Red EYE Gravy) and some Gravies made from Pan Drippin's and/or Pot Liquor can be various shades of Brown, or almost Gray ... And then there is Milk Gravy, that is normally found ladled over a Chicken Fried Steak ... Regardles of what kind of Gravy one it making, it is important to remember that, the GRAVY must be smooth, and the Mashed Potatoes are supposed to be Lumpy ... Never the other way around ... Instant Mashed Taters are smooth, and if carefully examined will reveal themselves to be nothing more than, Wallpaper Paste ... Imagine what that does to yer Gizzard, especially if drowned in any kind of Packaged Gravy ... which is sure to contain at least three different Sugars and Four different Salts, and some crap that is cleverly named, "Hydrolized Vegetable Protein" ... which is actually Monosodium Glutamate(MSG) ... Thoroughly disgusting stuff, MSG ....... When making Chicken Gravy, lightly burn a Double Slap of Butter (NEVER Margarine) in an Iron Skillet, then throw in the Smaltz and let it melt, keeping it moving gently with a Wire Whisk, then work two Tbsp. of Flour into it and add half a Cup of Chicken Stock, work it all around and then add a generous half Cup of Whole Milk/Buttermilk/Half&Half ... or a Cup of fresh Clabber ... Keep the fire Low and keep whisking until it hits the right consistency ... Cut the fire off, and pour it up ... Good over Catheads ... but then, What Isn't ???

Ivan~ help! You have mentioned catheads before - conjures up dreadful images for a feline-loving English person. When you get on the subject of cooking, I imagine this BIG guy performing some sort of alchemy with pots & pans - tell me it's true.
One place I cooked in had a sign over the cooking range that said "YOU eat your mistakes"

Formula  to  assure  yourself  that  everything  on  your  Thanksgiving  table  will  turn  out  perfectly:   1.   Find  a  good  woman  that  still  remembers  the  art  of  cooking  from  scratch;   2.   Endear  yourself  to  her  heart;   3.   Graciously  accept  an  invitiation  for  dinner;   4.   Don't  screw  up  while  your  there,  making  charming  conversation  with  her  family,  even  volunteer  to  clean  up  afterwards  {secretly  hoping  your  request  will  be  denied};   5.   Repeat  steps  1-4  next  year....

Oh, Mr. Peterman, you are a sly fellow.

 Broadwater Academy is on the gravy train. We won honorable mention in the field trip contest and will receive 500 dollars for our efforts. Not bad for a school with 300 students....pre-K through grade 12.

Thank You!

I'd forgotten that the USA gets two bites of the cherry, having Thankskgiving and Christmas. Bert's cunning plan omits one vital ingredient - arrive bearing a good bottle of wine/flowers/chocolates. Looking at today's topic, a packet of instant gravy mix concealed in an inner pocket would be useful  if anguished wails & swearwords are heard in the kitchen when dinner is shortly to be served. (But don't tell Ivan!) I spent a Christmas Day on a telephone helpline & listened to a lot of lonely people, and a lot of women in total panic about producing a "perfect" meal. I also did a Christmas Day in a Salvation Army hostel. Nobody complained about the gravy. So remember to give thanks.

Hazel- Ivan won't mind if I let the "cat" out of the bag.

In the south, there are two kinds of biscuits, regular and catheads.

A regular sized biscuit, cut with a normal sized green bean can or equivalent vegetable (don't want to offend anyone that would rather cut biscuits with a corn can or some gadget by sharper image) yeilds a generous sized biscuit.

The car head biscuit, on the other hand, is just that, it's the approximate size (or bigger) than a full grown cat's head in size and shape. There is no mistaking one when you see it, and a local restaurant or two 'round my hometown used to advertise it as such. To us professional biscuit eaters, its the difference in eating three biscuits rather than six. One generally makes a meal, for amatures, and is usually accompanied by a surprised greeting and partnered with an expletive:

"Damn, that's a cat head biscuit" or

"That was a big assed Cat head"

I've heard variations on the expletive combinations, but I was just sharing the basics, a primer if you will.

A good cat head, split, can absorb a full cup of gravy, a half a stick of butter and a 1/4 jar of jelly, and enough meat to feed a small family. Not all at the same time, mind you, but possible depending on circumstances and terrain.

A good rule of thumb to know you've achieved "cat head" status on your biscuit sizing, is when a fresh egg (older eggs tend to be runny) fried over medium can sit on the bottom half of the cat head biscuit and not hang off the sides.

Ivan, anything you'd like to add?

Oh, and it's the only time I'm a "cat lover"...

As Wavy Gravy said, "you aren't what you eat - you are what you don't poop." And as Granny Typical used to say, "...this gravy will stick to your ribs, young man." The ability to use the most elementary ingredients, my dear Watsons, to create a tasty supplement to meat, potatoes, or biscuits is a testimony to the time when the pioneer spirit in the kitchen forced necessity to be the Mother of Invention. On Saturday's my dad would take me to the local diner where I would order a hot roast beef sandwich served open face with a brown gravy drenching the meat and mashed potatoes. It was my favorite meal. If after eating it there was some gravy left on the plate, the waitress who referred to me as Sweetie would bring an extra slice of bread to "mop" it up, something mom wouldn't allow but since I was using my shoe shine money, I figured I would make up my own rules.

 
 
Miss Blue- Congratulations.  

I'm not an expert on the subject of cathead biscuits but I believe to make regular biscuits the  dough is rolled out on a floured cutting board to approximately 1/3 the thichness you want the finished/baked biscuit to be and cut with aforementioned bean can.
 
Cathead biscuits, on the other hand are dipped-up from the body of dough in a large spoon and pushed from the spoon out on the baking pan with the forefinger of the right hand. Biscuit may, or may not depending your preference, be sprinkled with flour and patted down to the desired thickness then baked of course in a 375 degree<> until lightly brown or maybe 30 minutes??? Get some for yourself quickly because every chowhound in sight will be on them like a chicken on a Junebug if you get my drift.

GH- that is my collection as I watched my mom. I waited for hot out of the oven and then slap on "real" butter and a dollop of blackberry jam. The pour your hot coffee in the saucer and blow on it to cool it down before taking a big sip, thus the term "saucered and blowed" to indicate it was just right.

TT- those of more priveleged means had saucers with a small half-moon shaped line drawn at the edge of the saucer as guide for lesser lights as to where the thumb should be placed when 'blowing'.

GH- I did not move in those circles. I am glad you were able to overcome my inability to construct a intelligent sentence without spelling and grammatical errors. You see I took a blow on the head last evening from the one armed man that Dr. Richard Kimble and I were chasing down a dark alley. I am on a mission to prove the good doctor's innocence and a slight concussion is a small price to pay. (Fade to black with theme music playing. Insert American Motors commercial here)

BERT:
Your #4 as listed above made me think of this Onion article that I read yesterday.  It had me laughing maniacally and nearly spitting coffee.....
 
http://www.theonion.com/articles/horrified-man-looks-on-powerlessly-as-he-ruins-dat,18478/
 

Thanks,guys -mystery solved. Dunking biscuits of differing sizes. If I came to visit your country, I'd need a guide/interpreter  to explain the food - and a driver - I sometimes look at American stuff on TV & cringe when I see all those complicated road systems. Pouring hot tea/coffee into a saucer & blowing -  I recall my grandparents doing - and dunking lumps of yesterday's bread into it.
George Hall~ Your comment about half-moon devices on ceramic drinking vessels put me in mind of the moustache cup. Could be purchased in left-handed or right-handed style.

Haze- You must have a Krispy Kreme doughnut, a sugar high of a coffee dunk and btw...old bread makes for a great bread pudding with raisins and smothered in a bourbon sauce that we could possibly call a dessert "gravy" ?

The cat head debate is on. When I spent my years in the wiregrass region of L.A. (lower Alabama), Cat head referred to the size rather than the manufacturing style.

The world may never know. This I do know, my Mom is the most incredible biscuit maker I have ever known. Tommy, I'd stand by the door of the oven, grab and juggle two hot ones, slap some butter and strawberry jam on the two bottoms and just butter on the tops and oh, my Lord in Heaven, let me die this way.

Anyone here ever hear of the medicinal value of the "skin" on the gravy?

Ummgawa -- I never heard of the medicinal value of the "skin" on the gravy, but did fight with my brother for the "skin" on pudding.

Tommy Typical~  Bread & butter pudding with raisins soaked in bourbon ..... O bliss! The dessert gravy sounds to die for.

I may be able to fill you in on the health value of the 'skin' on gravy. My father, who drank his coffee from the only saucer we had with the thumbmark on the edge also skimmed the skin off the gravy because he said all the 'food-value' was in the skin and the man needed all the food-value he could get. Leaving his poor frail and aging wife (I believe she was 33 at the time) and his innocent children to eat the leavings while sipping coffee from unmarked saucers and stewing in our own gravy aka self-pity. Growing up wasn't easy.

GH- The privilege of bringing home the bacon I suspect. I still see in my mind's eyes, my old man sipping on his coffee in his favorite cup and pulling on a Pall Mall and looking out the window with a wistful expression. What was he thinking? Who was this man that I knew but didn't know? As a young man, how had he courted my mom and what were his dreams that I would never hear about? I have tried to give my kids as much insight as possible into me but my mom at 85 still gives me little tidbits about Dad that would have been so helpful as I went along in understanding more about him...about me? Makes me wonder.

Awwwwww- George Hall - We lived in a cardboard box by the edge of the road & had to polish the cat's eyes & blanco the white lines before we walked barefoot to school.
Every Sunday, I made rice pudding just so my Dad could have the skin, which he adored.
The "skin" I'd fight my brothers for was anything made with cheese & browned in the oven.
That picture of gravy at the top of the page ...... looks horrible. It's too thick, too shiny - that isn't gravy, it's gloop.
 

GH- it's funny to hear you talk about the gravy skin like that. My Dad said the same exact thing. Of course, my little sister was always the lucky winner. One slight utterance of the word "Daddyyyy" and it was all over but the crying parts for my brother and myself.

I was the only kid in my class with gravy scars.

UMMGAWA:  You seem to have hit all the High Spots Bubba ... only incidental and minor Regional Variations left ... When I'm a kid, and my Mammy would take a ball of dough out of the mixing bowl, and I would hear that Saturday morning, "SPLUT" on a well Buttered Cookie Sheet, I knew when I looked (to pick out the one I wanted for Breakfast) I would see that when the doughballs hit, and streams of dough had shot out to the sides, that it would resemble a Cat's Head from behind, the Dough Streams looking like whiskers ... and of course they would bake-up to about the size of a Softball ...  Drop Bisquits, they usta callem ... I have to admit, that I prefer to roll out and double my Dough twice, so that I essentially have four Layers in my Bisquits, and I make them very short ... The Dough is about an Inch thick when I start cutting, then I roll out the scraps and do it again, until I have not enough scraps left for anything but Pigs, which I brush with clarified Butter, and sprinkle generously with Brown Sugar and Cinnamon ... I always had to be sure and have enough Pigs for all my kids ... If I want to make Reg'lar Bisquits, I use a standard 3" Cookie Cutter, that is actually the plastic Glass/Tube that is the container for little dishes of some kind of Sugar-Free soft Drink that one must mix himself ... I like it because it is the right round, and it is long enough that I can give it a gentle squeeze and poop a fresh cut Bisquit out in my hand, to be placed properly on the Cookie Sheet ... When I want to make Catheads, I use a two inch deep plastic ring, with a rolled Top Edge, that has a 5" diameter, and is actually the bottom piece of a gizmo made by Tupperware, to make cleanly round Meat Patties, of most any thickness one might desire ... but it makes a great cutter for Catheads ... And of course, when they bake up, they are about 2.5 inches thick and will cover a Saucer, and brushed with clarified Butter before they go in the oven, they become a Golden Delight ... It is funny when I feel the tension of a dozen guys around the table, furtively eyeballin' the LAST Cathead on the plate .......
 
HAZEL:  It definitely is a BIG Guy ....... and it   IS   Kitchen Chemistry .... As I have often said, it is no so much what goes into the pot that counts, but HOW it all goes in, in what Order, and how the Ingredients are allowed to meld together, to produce a flawless, Authentic result ... Cooking is an Art, and one must love it to do it well ... Baking, on the other hand, is pure Science ... and while mistakes in the Bakery may still be edible, the presentation is often disasterous ... scary even .......
 
ANDY: The Skin that forms on the top of the Gravy, is a Protein that heat breaks out of its source, and surely with a Salt content that approximates Normal Saline ... It is told in the pages of Kabbalah that it can be used for soothing raw throats, Liesions in the Mouth(Apthous Ulcers) and can be helpful in keeping clean, Bruises and Cuts, or Open Sores on the skin ... The skin off the Gravy, the Mother from a vat of Vinegar, and mush made of raw Potato ... were used for years to soothe the Eyes of Welders, Furnace Operators, and Boiler Tenders, including Railroad Men ...  Long before Parke-Davis and the BNDD came into existence ... Kabbalah, ...  where it all started ......

Thank you Ivan, I had never heard that.
 
Hazel, I will still fight for that burnt cheese on top of and around anything baked in the oven with cheese.  What is it about that crunchy, wonderful stuff?

Andy- those little crispies in the bottom of the popcorn bowl...

All you ever wanted to know about gravy but were afraid to ask.
 
Jalopkin- you are a fount of knowledge...I hate admit I never heard of Kabbalah 'til your reference to it. I, of course, had to look it up...fascinating and beyond. The books we could fill with what we don't know!

More like the books that could be filled with the wisdom most of you youth challenged individuals have forgotten! You all should write something down every day, something you've done, things you've seen and experienced, kinda like "skim off the gravy of life" or "Skim for the gravy lover's soul".

Work with me here.

JALOPKIN~ You are a veritable goldmine of amusement and information. Do you keep an Aloe Vera plant on your kitchen windowsill? Just the thing for minor burns & scalds - break a bit off & rub the sap on the affected area. I imagine you cooking, not in Chef's whites, but in Wizard black.
Andy~ Gerrof my burnt cheesy bits or I'll stab you with my fork.
Cookie cutters - strange how we own such things that are .... somewhere ..... & just use a tin can or whatever.
 

Hazel,   some  of  my  favorite  Thanksgivings  of  recent  memory  come  from  volunteering  to   help  with  the  serving  &  the  hospitality  at  our  county  seat's  former  gaslight  theatre,  which  has  the  "free  turkey  dinner  for  anyone  who  shows  up,  no  questions  asked"  function.   It's  a  wakeup  call  to  realize  how  many  individuals  &  families  are  unemployed,  underemployed,  or  simply  marginal  on  income.   Beyond  scooping  stuffing  onto  people's  plates,  I've  found  it  is  very  rewarding  to  simply  request  permission  to  join  some  "loners"  while  they  eat.....folks  who  have  no  better  offers,  for  whatever  reason,  and  who  feel  marginalized  in  society.   My  guess  is  that  you've  got  a   special  place  in  your  heart  for  the  downtrodden,  based  upon  the  posts  that  you've  made.....  Tiny  Tim  said  it  best  in  the  context  of  Christmas  dinner:  "God  bless  us,  everyone!"

Shit.
 
I just wrote a long post about MSG and Roman fish sauce and maybe even the solution to our political situation and my browser lost it.
 
Back to the lamb chops, potatoes au gratin, and asparagus.
 

Shandonista- Shit. The universal expression to explain unintended consequences. I love lamb with a good bottle of red as Billy Joel would say/sing.

Just had a ravioli with butternut squash and a fine Chianti myself.

SHANDONISTA:  I am so glad that you have finally some to the point that you can tell us anything that you want to ... Good on you, Dear Lady ... It is so liberating not to hold back one;s feelings ... and remember, You're Entitled !!!
 
HAZEL:  Thank You ... I have just been around a long time and have been very Blessed to have survived some of Life's experiences, and have been Blessed with a Good Memory, so's I can teach the children ... Life at its worst ... is better than the Alternative ....... I'll be a hundred and thirty before I check out ... and I have discovered in The Word that, I CAN Take it with me !!!
 
I was talking to God one day and mentioned to Him that I wanted to take my '47 Cadillac Convertible when I go ...

"No need for that, He says ... there is no place to drive and besides all you have to do is Think about where you want to be, and you will be there ,,,"
 
What about all those Streets of Gold, I said ???
 
"Gold Schmold, He says ... thats alll just for decoration anyway, makes the neighborhood a little spiffier ..."
 
So maybe I'll just park my car on the Driveway, put the Top down and kisten to the Stereo ...
 
"Driveway ??? What Driveway, He asked incredulously ???
 
I said, Well ... you promised me a Mansion, and what is a Mansion without a Garage, and I gotta have a Driveway to get into my Garage .......
 
"Just bring the Car, He says ... " and He just faded away .......

I just sat back and enjoyed you all today.  Felt like a kid that snuck out of bed and came downstairs to listen to the adults swap stories.  Very enjoyable....... Peace out....

All this talk about biscuits has me salivating. I love, love, love biscuits. I'm with you Ivan, I always folded mine over twice before cutting and I had a drinking glass that was the perfect size for cutting.. I haven't made biscuits in years, but I still have my flour cloth and rolling pin ready to go. Biscuits are my all time favorites and I am usually disappointed at a restaurant when I order them. They may look okay, but they are usually more of a roll. Not the same. My nephew would only come to visit if I promised to make biscuits. I want some now, but I'll end up eating them all in one sitting...mustn't ...uhuh. ...and you can hold the gravy. I may be a southern girl at heart, but biscuits and butter for me...no gravy.

MISS JANE:  I am always faithful to Butter my Bisquite before I ladle the Gravy over 'em !!!
 
 
HAZEL:  Forgot ... I have a Planter Box out front of the Shop that is all Aloe Vera ... We use it medicinally, but we also eat it too ... Very Good for the Digestion ... One of my favorite ways to use it is to puree it up with some Jalapeno, and Nopalitos, and mix in a half cup of minced Yellow Onion, and then mix that with Lima Beans that I have run thru a sieve with a Ball, and make RE-Fried Lima Beans ... Refritos of a different sort ... Great Side Dish for Chicken or Shrimp (or even Crawdads) When you see they are reaching a Drier Consistency, cut the fire off and mix in a Big Ol' Slap of Butter ... move it all around, a pinch of Sea Salt, a half Tsp of White/Muntauk Pepper, and a Tsp. of fresh squeezed Lime juice ...  A delightful Taste Treat .......

My 800 phone number is very close to the turkey hot line number so my phone starts ringing at midnight or shortly thereafter for Thanksgiving turkey and trimmings hints.
Sometimes after I tell them they have the wrong number I ask if I can help them out as I'm a pretty good cook.
One woman called me 4 times and would not believe she had the wrong number. She said they transfered her to me. Laughed my a** off, and I don't have much booty to spare.I finally helped her too.

Paula, the woman to whom we took fresh and canned vegetables, was young, beautiful and adored little boys.
At her request, I took three friends over to help relocate her root cellar so she could finish painting her basement.
I warned my friends that if there were any goofing off or dropped jars, I would never take them on another mission.
She had a habit of rubbing your back or mussing your hair a little but left us to our work while she cooked in the kitchen overhead.
She brought home all of the chicken and turkey carcasses form the catholic hospital, where she worked, roasted them and simmered them in a huge pot with vegetables.
Then, straining off the nasty bits, she made a rich, golden gravy that tasted like liquid chicken.
She served it to us for lunch over home made split biscuits that she had run under the broiler for a few seconds before plopping on a small scoop of butter.
Everybody ate like mad in silence enjoying the shiny round drops of chicken fat or butter.
A wave of panic rippled through us when she thought we deserved a kiss for our hard work.
I was in the least convenient position to resist as the boys hands folded before them, shuffled backwards for the kitchen door.
I puckered up and took one for the squad. My men made it out and it wasn't terrible... at all.
After her husband returned from service and took her off to Madison, we mourned a little as we sat dangling our feet from a tailgate: "We all kinda loved her didn't we?" observed, Chet, adding with a shudder; "but not in a woodie way or nuthin,"
"No-oo, no," we agreed.