Revealed: Brits' bizarre travel enquiries

Well, if you don't know, ask.

Someone knows the answer.

Hmm, if those questions seem bizarre, the people taking calls must lead sheltered lives.

I am imagining a desk,and an old style English handset telephone,being answered by Terry Thomas...

Ha ha! Did you pick the wrong day to make fun of moronic Brits. We have our fair share, but watching the behaviour of moronic Americans shopping on this mornings TV News, I think we are relatively harmless.
Morning all, especially the new people who have had the misfortune to join in on a really dreary day.
 

ROADYACHT:   THAT ....... is a Riotous Idea !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RY ~ Exactly!   Have they run out of topics?   As we know, there's always food. Hazel ~ As always, we learn from you, then pile on even more ridiculous behaviour.

It's not just the Brits:
 

Australian Humor

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water!!

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So it's true what they say about Swedes. 

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me  a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.  Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ...  oh forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.  Come naked. 

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees.  Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ...  oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races ... Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.  Milk is illegal. 

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum.  (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.   All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled...and they make great pets. 

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name.  It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.  (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear.  They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.  You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink!!!

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes ... gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross.  Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, ...  and you will still have to pay her by the hour. 

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

Lynn ~ Absolutely.  It's all of us.

Morning Folks. Sorry Hazel!

Andy~ You mean as evidenced by Lynn's last contribution?
Ask any emergency service, they get plenty of time-wasting calls. Most Brits would not know the duties and functions of a Consulate. But then, who does? Do you know in what circumstances to contact your Consulate when in trouble on holiday abroad? I imagine the British Consulate to be much as RY suggests. The only thing I know about Consulate Staff is that the have Diplomatic Bags which are exempt from customs scrutiny. Maybe we could amuse ourselves by speculating on what is hidden in there, assuming tea bags, Marmite and Gentleman's Relish to be standard contraband. What else do you imagine a British Consulate would have in his/her diplomatic bag? And what do they DO? Obviously avoid answering the 'phone must be high on the job description. It was the accepted done thing to give embarrassing posh people jobs like British Consul to Outer Mongolia or some other god-forsaken place. Apologies to any Outer Mongolians who may be watching this page.

Dumbasseritis is global. It is viral. Ranks up there with noclassatall & those who bring stinky food on planes and who wear flip flops exposing claw like yellow toe nails. They don't vote but bitch incessantly and closely park next to you in an empty parking lot. They try to use coupons they know are outdated. They ask ridonkulous ???? to who knows who loudly in public places so all can hear. Gotta luv 'em

RoadYacht----Terry Thomas image is perfect!  You nailed it!

Oh Hazel - One does not the half of what yesterdays HORROR is unless they have recently worked in retail...

I spent 5.5 hrs answering phone calls yesterday - Where 90% of the callers started with I know its black Friday & you must be busy but can you run out & see if you have these books on the shelves. OR are you Busy it's a good thing I called than I don't like crowds....Along with the fact that the person who was suppose to be at work to actually do this did NOT show up, yesterday was a wonderful day of dealing with Inconsiderate Idiots.

Maybe the British consulate should be sending out fines to these people for wasting their time rather than being able to work on the Real Problems of travelers who are abroad.

I am debating if I should call my local Chamber Of Commerce with some of these problems over the next 3 weeks. As it maybe just enough fun to see what the reaction is about being left in an Airport in Title Town USA by a Dominatrix would be.. Wondering if the little old lady who answers the phones there would even know what that means..... Now to figure out what guy to have call... Hmmmmm

AT one point in a rather fraught life I had a part time job with South African Airways at Jan Smuts Airport in JOhannesburg. My job? As a naturalized American citizen, I was to talk tourists of the inbound planes who were afraid they might be taken by lions on the tarmac to disembark. (This was in the days before jetways.) On at least two occaions of which I'm aware their terror was such that, even with the assistance of local guards, they would not leave the plane and, ultimately, flew with it to its next stop which was Mauritius. Of course, if one is to be stuck someplace you hadn't planned on visiting, Mauritius should be high on anyone's list. 

Indeed, Blitzed--I might have feigned terror if I'd known Maritius was on offer! 

Ultrasonic rodent repellant
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YFY6XLH6Tvk

Three thoughts on this typically grey Seattle morning, not news here, of course, just something you get used to or commit suicide or leave in some other way:

1) Grew up with the British, they educated me. They drink *heavily*, and I think they're beginning to realise that their drinking reflects a serious social problem. Going to the pub is part of the daily routine, and does not carry the same social stigma that going to a bar does in the States. A subject that makes me angry and disgusted, since I have had far too much personal experience in one lifetime with alcoholics in denial.

2) My daughter works in high-end retail, where I had hoped she'd be immune from the worst of human behavior, but nonetheless spent part of the day yesterday in tears in a back room because people, when they sense a "sale," are disgusting. Could say more about this, but I'm just too angry and disgusted.

3) The above article about the British who don't know how to travel any more than Americans do, in my experience, brought me to this far more amusing article, which, fortunately, given all that I have typed above, made me smile:

http://www.cnngo.com/tokyo/play/hologram-484669

Just when you think you've seen it all...

Y'all have said it all, and better than I.  Stoney, Road Yacht, and you with personal stories...my gosh, we've done away with The Ugly American and replaced him with The Ugly Human. I'm stunned still by photos in today's paper (ergo, HERE) and national tv news of people's apparent savagery.

Alison~ you will be pleased to hear that British pubs are closing at the rate of at least one a week due to a combination of drink-drive laws and a nanny state ban on smoking indoors. We certainly do not all drink heavily. I smile when I see a gaggle of smokers - there has  to be a better word, something like co-coughony - huddled together outside the  pub having a smoke in the rain. It says in large letters on cigarette packets *smoking gives you bronchitis* I'm really not surprised.

When you travel to different parts of the globe you will find that behavior in certain geographical locations have some similarities. When it comes to shopping, it is market driven in western civilization, the impulse of a bargain is why you find the responses within the society to be what it is. The consumption of intoxicants is driven by observances of holidays or special occasions. 

Ho hum, I hope it's raining on Mr Peterman's farm.

a
 

The real problem with the topic and the article is that being a twit is not confined to one place, nationality or whatever.  Twits exist everywhere.  Lord knows we have enough in this country.  People usually call them politicians and they are not confined to one party.  Our Metro section in the Washington Post has articles continuously of politicians in D.C. and Maryland being arrested for financial felonies and of Virginia's politicians for silly arguments and monumental egos.  Then there are the twits who are religious leaders and think no one will notice if they see prostitutes or molest children.  More minor types can be found in the tales of store clerks, help desk personnel, police officers, firefighters, etc.  I put up the Australian humor piece to show the universality of it all.  I think a lot of it is hubris, the notion that I can have the perfect, sole and simple answer in some part of life - religion, politics, urban planning, whatever - when clearly that is impossible because the arena is way too big and our viewpoint way too limited.  And any other viewpoint ipso facto is wrong.  Sorry folks, we do not get to have The Answer.  We get toi live in the Question.

GlobeT- Your last tidbit is the reason I am a Multicultural Quaffer.
Haze- I found the pubs to be old school cool. Smoking and drinking and music for those who are satisfied to be neither winners or losers but choosers.
***
Y'know-not everyone is destined or cut out to live to an old age either by genetics, misfortune, or choice. I wish there were less crusaders and more who would just leave people alone. I love the misfits as I tried to jokingly say earlier. They are genuine and the status quo is rather boring and if they weren't saying stupid crap we would miss them, as Carly Simon would sing, more than we'd ever have guessed. Condesendsion is assholiness. Bless the beasts and the children and mad dogs and Englishmen and pray for me most of all.

Tommy ~ speaking of saying stupid crap (me, me pick me), I have a travel enquiry for you.  If I recall correctly, you were in Wisconsin recently.  The question is this, do you by chance carry a bag of mouse droppings with you on your travels?  You can private message me if you like, I don't mind taking the rap and your secret will be safe with me.

TT..................that Carly Simon song is so beautiful & sad as she recounts all the things that drove her nots & how in the end she misses them..........................I haven't heard it forever. Need to find that CD.................that whole album is great, not to mention the lust inducing photo on the cover...................imagine, no makeup, no surgery, no special effects.............nothing but natural beauty...................it happened at one time, it really did...............

Lynn...always find that very funny!! Can't say Aussies don't have a sense of humour!
Hazel.....British bankers's idea of lunch, standing up at a pub and drinking...I always remember that; at the other end; a European banker's lunch meeting is 3 hours...made me miss my flight too. But here's the universal backpacker, stereotyped a/c to his culture...tongue-in-cheek, politically incorrect sometime, yet, hits my funny button. See if you agree..

1 – The American Backpacker

You will hear this backpacker immediately upon entering the hostel. Loud, enthusiastic and friendly, the American Backpacker either travels in large groups of young college girls or guys, or, if a little bit older, travels hans solo. The delightful college girl American Backpacker wears pajamas during the day and tight bright clothing at night, and is never without numerous layers of make up and hairspray, and the college boy American Backpacker has usually found their way to Central or South America on a cheap flight from Miami and are ready for a week of drinking and partying.

In contrast, the older single American Backpackers are usually travel bloggers, photographers, or hippies that are trying to find the deeper meaning in their travel experiences. All American backpackers give themselves massive kudos for being one of the 20-30% of American citizens that own passports and like to brag about anything remotely ‘foreign’ they have done on their travels. Depending on the type, great for partying the night away or discussing the meaning of life.

2 – The European Backpacker

Usually travels in pairs, stays in the private rooms, and spends much of the time speaking to only each other in their native language. The European Backpacker is ridiculously good looking but very quiet and reserved, until copious amounts of red wine are consumed.

Usually has way more money than the rest of the hostel combined and can tell smug stories of expensive trips and activities which others could only dream of. Great for when you want to pretend you are not a grimy backpacker and go to a nice restaurant or bar for once.

3 – The Canadian Backpacker

Can spot these a mile away due to the prevalence of Canadian flags sewn on to their backpack and the ‘ey’ at the end of every sentence (“Canada, ey”).

Always friendly and impeccably polite (unless you mistake them for their louder cousin, American backpacker). Often stoned. If you hit them, they will apologize. Great for switching rooms to get away from the snorer.

4 – The Israeli Backpacker

The Israeli backpacker tends to travel in large packs after doing their time in the army. Easy to find as they will be the ones haggling at every spot. Friendly and always speak impeccable English, but are slightly scary and a little smelly. Great for when you want the best deal at the local kebab shop.

5 – The Asian Backpacker

Very rare breed of backpacker. Quiet and courteous (until they have a beer), the Asian Backpacker usually travels in small packs with large cameras and a multitude of electrical equipment in a Hello Kitty backpack. Great for when you need that s150 charger you left at home.

6 – The English Backpacker

The English Backpacker travels in a massive group with other suntanned/burnt/fake-tan orange English Backpackers. Friendly but often spends time whinging on a hostel balcony.

Usually has enough money to find English booze and fried food thanks to the pound. Usually on a Gap Year. Always up for hostel drinking games, and able to drink nearly as much as the Australian Backpacker (and often goes home with one). Great for having a laugh at the pub.

7 – The South African Backpacker

Another rare breed. Usually men. Very arrogant and most have the crazy eyes, but they come complete with a divine accent and amazing abs. Can handle a shotgun. Great for when you need a handyman to fix the hostel bunk, someone to protect you in a dangerous part of town, or when you have a hankering for a backpacker fling.

8 – The Australian Backpacker

Friendly, adventurous and laid back, but can be annoyingly loud and is the centre of every party once drunk. Always the one that does the stupid dares.

Can be found traveling in packs, pairs or alone, but if alone will often have run into a cousin/friend/acquaintance at every stop, however remote (“maaaaate, didn’t realise you were over here in the middle of the amazon jungle. lets go for a drink.”).

Great for when you want to start drinking at 9am and have a skinny dip in a public fountain.

9 – The New Zealand Backpacker

Often confused with its Australian cousin; can be distinguished by their questionable fashion sense and hilarious pronunciation of the phrases “fish and chips” and “six, please”. Very friendly but usually a little reserved in large groups. Well experienced in camping and ‘tramping’ (hiking) and is at home in cold and mud and snow.

Extremely loose on the booze and has the ability to do even crazier things than the Australian Backpacker when provoked, especially if from Dunedin. Great for a laugh when ordering six beers, or for borrowing clothes when the weather is chilly.

10 – The Irish Backpacker

Not to be confused with the English Backpacker, the Irish Backpacker is usually a little older and travels in pairs or by themselves. Like a homing pigeon, this gem of a backpacker always manages to find the best deals on a pint at any time of the day and is friendly and inclusive of all other travelers.

Loses the ability to speak English after a few alcoholic beverages but good at miming their usually hilarious drinking stories. Great for a friendly face if traveling alone

ooopss....credit lines>>>>>

http://www.bootsnall.com/articles/09-07/10-backpacker-stereotypes-youll-meet-on-the-road.html

P- I have found mouse droppings to be more organic than raisinets and with a longer shelf life. To answer Secret Squirrel style I shall use Hawg Latin- Esyay

TT, et al - Isthay isyay otnat ayay oodgay opictay!! Onayodybay ikeslay erdsnay!!

Hazel - Re: moronic shoppers: I cannot imagine anyone on this train acting the fool like those hordes shoving and fighting over a $2 waffle iron (or whatever "thing" was the object of the melee), so as most generalizations go.....the crazy Americans, Brits, or whoever.....are not we. Thank God!

"Hello? Consulate? I seem to have mis-placed several days,after stopping into that PUB the other night." "Is there any way you can help me find our dreams?