George Washington, General, First President, Britain's most revered enemy and Barbecue lover.
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April 19, 2012
We probably all have one.
Although there is good news.
According to the American Psychiatric Association, if you have it, you are not a sociopath or a psychopath.
Since guilt reveals you have a conscience.
And just as there's good and bad cholesterol, there's good and bad guilt.
For instance, if anything can overcome procrastination, it’s guilt — if you feel guilty enough that you haven't finished that project, you might just finish it.
As a manipulative tool it's superlative.
If someone resists in doing something for you, simply remind them of all the times you've been there for them.
Even if you haven't.
On the reverse side of the coin, guilt can be a serious problem if you can’t say no to friends, loved ones and coworkers and wind up resenting them.
When it’s your inability to say,” I can’t wait all day in your house for the cable guy."
Therapists, by the way, say that the only way to start saying no is by practicing.
"No."
It's a short word.
Although Albert Ellis, who developed a school of psychology, called Rational Emotive Therapy, says the problem with guilt is figuring out what to do with the kind of guilt you have.
Yes, that helps.
So...was it a family trait or did you learn it all on your own?
The inability to stand up for yourself or say no and having to live with the results looks like a...
Apr. 19, 2012 10:21 AM
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I aquired it by long and profound study....
part of the homework assigignment had to deal with those last couple of spoonfulls of Ben&Jerry's, when I'd already had all the rest.....nahhhh, why would I want to put a mostly eaten carton back in the freezer....
...and the coin-operated mirror will allow you to praactice saying"NO"....when it prompts you to insert coins for the level of beauty reflected you desire, say "NO! I will see me as I am"...that is todays value code, and no coins or tokens will be needed. (of course you'd have known that if you had sent in the Ovaltine seals you promised to collect,and had received your decoder ring from Battle Creek...)
and here is another question...are Snack Wells really guilt free when you are eating the second row?
It is said to be in the water in catholic schools.
STONEY & RY...............................waking up to your comments is wonderful & totally guilt free! I will say that more people than I ever remember are guilt free when they act like fools or behave badly. But then again, I am filled w/ guilt always, so.................................
Wonderful day gentlemen.............................
Bebe ~ Me too. Stoney ~ In the water at Catholic school and in the Jewish Mother's Handbook. "How are you Mom? Oh, not so good, not eating. You're not eating? Why? What's wrong? Afraid to put a bit of food in my mouth in case you call and I wouldn't be able to answer the phone."
RY ~ Not if anywhere on the box it says that they contain vitamins and nutrients -- in fact. maybe even the box---fiber.
ANDY............................Bada bing, bada boom on your 6:35! Perfection........................speaking of food......................I may get a breakfast sandwich on the way to school.......................mmmmmmmmmmm...............................breakfast sandwiches.........................
It's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. And yeah guilt stinks and sadness sucks, but regret is the double whammy and often requires a double scotch and putting on Patsy Cline's vinyl rendition of I'm sorry so sorry...I apologize for mentioning any of this.
And yet my children think its cute.....CUTE.....when I try the guilt thing. Just never got the knack
I've always said that guilt is the strongest weapon in a mother's arsenal.
Andy--you should have lessons from my mom!
Guilt is made of vitamin K. All babies are injected with it at birth.
Guilt isn't a bad thing, in and of itself. Psychopaths don't experience guilt, meaning that only a combination of lack of opportunity and the risk of apprehension inhibit them from committing terrible crimes. Conscience reminds us that we have a moral obligation to respect the rights of others and the restrictions imposed by society.
Feelings are so messy, can't we just talk about food instead? It's messy, but in a fun way.
more on the honor rollThe inability to stand up for yourself or say no and having to live with the results looks like a different set of pathologies altogether: remorse and self-loathing but their only victim would be you.
Different to but not better than...
Guilt which, whether self-realized or, much more likely, having been pointed out to you by others, say- the authorities, is the result of words spoken or left unsaid; actions undertaken or left undone the upshot of which was that harm has been done… likely to others.
Self-imposed or assigned, a lot of it is, not unlike dog poop on the sidewalk, something over which, acknowledged and learned from, we ought nimbly to step and move on.
Cultural guilt is another story: a current and popular notion seems to prevail that at the root of our country's economic woes is the fact that too much of the wealth resides, horded, in the hands of too few.
The few who by coming into it or working hard to get it, keep the wheels greased and turning by paying almost all of the net federal income and capital gains taxes and providing investment capital.
On the other hand, any… every time a child is fathered or mothered without any provision, intention or ability to provide for its food, shelter, health care or education, something is not quite right either.
Maybe the answer is that every time we take a dollar from some one who earned it and give it to someone who could have but didn't, a dollar's worth of guilt should be printed on the back.
Carol ~ My own mother was a master at guilt -- she believed strongly that was how kids were to be raised. Maybe I tried too hard to go the other way, because "isn't she CUTE! " was not exactly what I was aiming for. Bert ~ I do agree with what you're saying, but really, my guilt reflex is Pavlovian -- so very easily triggered.
Andy~ Re: your 6:35 post- F-U-N-N-Y!! LMAO! Do you by chance remember Mike Nichols and Elaine May of weekend Mobitor radio fame?This classic one may run a little long but..."the phone rings 3, 4, 5 times then 'Helli'. "Its only your mother, big shot after 5 rings to my son the Doctor already I'm talking>" "I'm sorry, Mom." "Don't worry about it...am I inconvenceing you?" " Oh, no Mom." "Well don't worry about it. You know i only live for your happiness." "Oh Mother, You're making me feel awful!" "If I could believe that, I'd be the happiest woman in the world!"
Guilt? None whatsoever. But I do have a contrite
heart. I'll let Billy sing it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZgmWwMheXkk
That stained glass curtain
you’re hiding behind
Never lets in the sun….
I don't experience much guilt. I don't think I'm a sociopath--rather Im neither Jewish nor Catholic and am child-free. My parents didn't use guilt--my mother threatened and my father just had to give us that look. And I don't feel guilty that I'm relatively well off--thanks to my father's wealth and my own good sense and hard work. I have few regrets. Oh, I wish I had studied harder when I was young and in school, but I was not equipped at that time. I had an unhappy childhood and studying hard was not in my agenda. I have one small regret. I love to cook and prepare food for people I love. One time my Dad came out to visit me. We went out to eat a lot and when he left he said he was sorry that I had not cooked a meal for him. Yea, that made me feel guilty, and over the years it became a regret. I never cooked one of my killer meals for my dad. Sorry Dad! Maybe next time...
All through the first ten years of my married life I kept a constant and discreet watch upon my tongue while in the house, and went outside and to a distance when circumstances were too much for me and I was obliged to seek relief. I prized my wife's respect and approval above all the rest of the human race's respect and approval. I dreaded the day when she should discover that I was but a whited sepulcher partly freighted with suppressed language. I was so careful, during ten years, that I had not a doubt that my suppressions had been successful. Therefore I was quite as happy in my guilt as I could have been if I had been innocent.
- Mark Twain's Autobiography
I believe that most of us do have that innate sense of guilt only we 'waste' it over the little non-essentials. I've always felt that's why some of us really feel bad or sometimes relieved when finally 'busted' because we fully know all the little things that we got away with: no ticket for illegal parking, running that red light, a little white lie told to get out of a previous plan (a woke with a splitting headache, the car wouldn't start--the dog ate my homework kind of thing). When finally caught at something--totally unrelated to our other "offenses"-- we accept it without fuss 'cuz we know we are guilty--of "Something" anyway.
My father, in his heart, believed that to spare the rod was to spoil the child. And sometimes, we would feel we were punished for somrthing we didn't do and would say so. His answer was "Good. then this was for all the time you did it and got away with it."...which was hard to deny.
Guilty of WHAT? LIVING? I didn't ASK to be
born. Okay, I did, but that was in another dimension; UNDER DURESS, I
might add. It was either this or eternal damnation. Which would you
have picked?
I reckon that one should
not joke about that eternal damnation stuff.
Sorry if I offended any One.
Yes, Carol--it's the whole karma thing. I totally agree.
GEORGE HALL ~ In the case of most I would agree with you. I could be wrong, but something tells me that one Jim Hall is still skating along way ahead of the proverbial rod.
Paolos- None taken...we've all been there, thinking "They'll be sorry when I'm gone..."
Yeah!! If I was to die theyed be sorry. I can see them standing by my grave shedding tears biggern mule turds and I'll be the one giving no sympathy Yeaaaaa!!!!!!!!!
The best guilty face is the dog who just stole food off the worktop or raided the trashcan. Those big brown eyes and the tail tucked between the legs! Cats don't do guilty. Neither do goldfish. So do I live with a bunch of psychopathic felines and Pisces? My little brother used to close his eyes when he raided the cookie tin.
I am so hardwired for feeling guilty (easily offended mother) that I feel guilty when I can't think of what I should be feeling guilty about.
Its similiar to being nervous that I have forgotten something because I have nothing to be nervous about.
Media are the culprits when it comes to indoctrinating us with inappropriate guilt. Commercials create a world where the women are always a perfect size 4, the men all drive pricey sports cars, and the families are never disfunctional (except in a humorous way, when contrasted to the world of Ozzie & Harriet). If we could patent a pill that would allow us to attain life's perfect emotional balance, AND do so without side effects, life would be perfect.....until boredom and the feeling of functioning in an existentional vacuum set in. Meanwhile I'll continue to treasure my vintage Gary Larson "Far Side" cartoons, and keep my collection of eclectic friends.
George -- absolutely! So funny
CD~ you are a treat!
Chef Deb -- Exactly!
Bert~ I remember a story about a booth at a carnival that had a sign advertising Smart Pills $1 there was no one attending the counter, but there was a dish of the small round dark 'smart pills' there....and so, a man picked one up,popped it into his mouth and promptly spit it out in disgust....just then the proprieter came back, and the man said "these smart pills taste like rabbit poo" "see," said the prop., "yer smarter awready, gimme a dollah"
RY ~ One question. How would the man know that the
pill tastes like rabbit poo?
No Guilt Gene here, just having a good time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cHr4XQ9SEcg
Sorry people, not feeling well today. Catch up with you tomorrow Nos da. x
Guilt jeans a little snug? Don your gratitude garb and move on.
The are certain expressions of guilt best kept to yourself: if you are unable to order and appetizer, salad, soup, entree or dessert with saying: "This is bad for me," or "I really shouldn't," don't sit across from me .
I will shoot you in the foot.
I marjorie ~
That's a mature look backwards… you weren't ready.
Hazel ~
Here's a virtual hot water bottle and back rub.
Hazel -- do feel better soon (hope it wasn't something I said......guilt, guilt, guilt)
Stoney: Have you noticed how marketefs have decided that clothing will gently be made bigger, while the sizes stay the same? It applies to men's & women's sizes. The psychology is that we will stay loyal to a brand that adjusts to our expanding girth, while at the same time allowing us to tell others (and ourselves) "I'm still the same size I was when I was in college." A different result in automobiles, however, since cars cost lots more to build and to operate when they expand as we do. Thinking I was quite crafty, I paid for a "medium size car" and then upgraded without additional charge to a "full size car." To my dismay, I soon calculated that there was no way that six adult men were going to comfortably travel the last leg of our journey. RoadYacht has the ultimate travel option,, since like a turtle he takes his house along with him.
As some of you have said, my mother and grandmother were PHD's in Pile it Higher and Deeper (Guilt), but I just rejected all that, and moved on. Thanks be to Heaven that I have been able to avoid doing that to you kids....(wonder if they'd concur?)...but here's a song or two about the old guilt trip.
"Resurrecting memories of a love that's dead and gone...." (Randy Travis)
http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=randy+travis+digging+up+bones+song&mid=A68CBD04F552ADC010A0A68CBD04F552ADC010A0&view=detail&FORM=VIRE2
and even better advice from Willie Nelson on the same topic:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n5INUyqCWrA
You can't get much better than those guys' counseling advice!
Don't lay that guilt trip on me! I refuse to take it! I have my own map!
That was supposed to be"I have been able to avoid doing that to MY kids"....sorry! There!! That's as guilty as I get!
Every Jew is born with Guilt ... thats just the way of it ... some of us spend years looking for it, trying to identify it, trying to own it ....... because we thought someone said, Gelt ...
A fellow asked me, "What is a Bar Mitzvah all about ?" So I told him ... it is the day a Yid realizes that he stands a better chance of Owning a Professional Sports Team, than ever playing for one ...
All those years in teaching I felt I had to say "yes" to every committee, project, or request to DO something for the school,and I spent most of my youthful days sponsoring a club, book, or activity, cheating my own family of my time, but when I retired, I learned to say NO!!
The women's club called to ask me to host a meeting....No. The church wants me to be on the bazaar committee....No, I just can't do that. School wants me to tutor a kid....No. I am not doing that this year. Please be on the festival committee for the fundraiser.....No, I really cannot do that. Thank you for asking. Will you come to substitute teach on Fridays?"We have such a need for good teachers, especially on Friday".... "No, I just cannot do that. Good luck with your search."
( No explanation needed. Just say NO....believe me it works.) The sky did not fall, the friends still speak to me, and my over-worked nerves healed! Now, Isometimes still get committed to things that I later wish I had not agreed to...."Oh, come to that new play in the city next month.." and I dread the drive into Atlanta fighting the traffic, but it sounded like fun at the time, or the symphony with someone we know playing in it, and I really don't give a d**n, but said I'd go, so I end up there, kicking myself for agreeing....But, believe me, those times are few and far between....I usually give it the old "Love it or Leave IT test"...On a scale of 1-10, how much will you want to do that??? And if it is below a 6, I say NO!
Now I find my self wondering if I should feel guilty for not feeling guilty. 'Tis a conundrum.
Old hardass Marines aren't supposed to use words like 'lovely', I don't guess but the camaraderie, wit and wisdom of this group over today and yesterday have been lovely!!! and that's my ruling!
Ok, I have to confess I am on the road in Florida on the way to my 50th high school reunion...and I really did not want to go! There, I confessed. Guilt did me in.
I just know I will be the fattest, oldest looking, most dowdy old 67 year old gal there, and all the rest will be slim, have new face lifts, and fit into their size 4 cheerleader skirts! However, my friend that got me to come to this event is a gal that I've stayed in touch with all these years, and she was on the committee, so I felt I really HAD to be there for her.....And the rest of the story now is that SHE IS NOT GOING TO BE THERE!! She called from Calif. and is on a "shoot" with her actress daughter, and cannot leave!! ( Her twin daughters were DoubleMint twins, models, and actresses...very pretty girls, and nice people. We will still be friends, but this event is one I would not have attended if she were not on the committee.)
So, here I am going to a reunion where I only know about 3 people of a class of 300+ (I moved to Gainesville in gr. 10, skipped gr. 11, and graduated with this class of folks I barely knew! This girlfriend was the one I palled around with most of the year.) Of course, there will be the boys I dated, but they are coming to this thing with their wives, so how much fun can that be!?? Guilt got me into this... but, as I told my "significant other" (SO) who, bless his heart, is with me, if we get bored, we can just leave! (He does not know a soul in this crowd.) We have a BBQ Friday night at a ranch just out of town, then a banquet and dance on Sat. and we are off to Port Orange for a visit with my SO's sister on Sunday.
I must admit I will look forward to seeing my old newspaper staff from 1962, but they are all boys, so now 68 yr. old men! That should be interesting. I know 2 are college profs, and one is an ad exec in NY....more later.....Please bear with me.
Mooseloop~ I'm predicting you'll love your reunion...I did mine. And guess who it was best to see...several of our teachers. I suspect you've made a mark on many of your students and also your peers there...more than you know.
Mooseloop ~ Pleas let us know how it goes...
Ivan having my preshow Mexican repast and tall Pacifico but had to tell you your last post was a classic. Always buy myself dinner and say to me-"Mucha mierda."
***
Umm-Got your package. Nice work.
***
Gotta run. As Kinky says my Meshcun mouthwash has arrived!
In Wales, we have lots of sheepdog trials. When I see the signs go up on the roadside, I always wonder if the dogs will plead guilty or not guilty. Duvet time here, nos da dear people.x
My husband, a former Catholic if there is such a thing, agrees with Stoney that it's in the drinking water at the church and schools, and he suspects it is also in all Catholic mothers'milk. Especially the latter. He's got it bad, guilt, and he blames his Catholic mother, and I couldn't agree more. She's 90 and she's still laying on the guilt as thick and sticky as extra strength fly paper.
And then there is a Catholic mother I know who is not quite a relative but close enough and she flat out told her 3 kids, feeling no guilt for the guilt and misery she was about to unload on them - she told them "I gave you birth, and you owe me, until the day I die, you owe me." Phew. She says the bible says they do. Owe her. ???? If I were one of her offspring I'd be thinking about how to hasten her demise, since life was going to be sheer hell until then. I don't know how a person can say that to their kids and I don't know how the kids can just take it. Guilt - wow. It's a mighty emotion.
Moose---My sister is slated for her 50th reunion in Oct. And already she's told me a gazillion times about it. I know she has some dreadful memories of one classmate in particular who devastated her via a comment in her yearbook and she's hoping to show him up. I'm sad for her. She's had a full life......a very loving husband who idolizes/adores her....3 children....professional successes....etc. , but she still hopes to slam this guy and is desperately seeking to lose weight and become what? 17 all over again? In her high school years she was thin, cute and had a tiny waist. Unfortunately, her father (and, of course, mine) was the ass't. principal of the school---that she can never re-do, nor should she want to. I'm sorry for her---hope your trip and reunion are fun and worthwhile.
Somewhere on You -Tube I saw a v-e-r-y funny video on animal guilt. The owner is away. The dogs make a mess. Owner confronts them and the guilt--the GUILT! It's really very funny, but totally beyond my capacity to find and post.
There is a whole page of guilty looking dogs and their stories if you search on Bing and put in "dogs looking guilty" .....Some of the stories are funny, and the dogs' faces are adorable...Dog lovers will want to check it out....and even cat lovers, as there are a few guilty kitty scenes! My cat will tuck tail and hide if she has spilled a vase or made a mess....She can tell by my rising tone of voice....!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8ISzf2pryI
The catholic concept of being born with "original sin' is either a marketing strategy or a scare tactic........ I am, therefore I'm guilty. Good grief.
Bert ~
Yes and that probably explains why I have worn at most 32Ws in comfort for the last fifty years.
I recall being shown by a tailor as a boy how a pair of pants (trousers, he called them) ought to fit: "If you have to suck in your midsection, the waist is too small."
A '59 Mercedes and a '69 Chevy wagon were suited to seat people easily… that is two out of about a dozen and a half cars we've owned.
Funny, I considered a Cadillac with seating for seven but was offered a great deal on one with very low miles and without the extra seat and took it to save thousands.
We like it and, to be honest, it has probably saved some inconvenience in that with that many in the car, somebody would probably want to stop somewhere I wouldn't.
You have to wonder if the guys who cannot wait to untie a their neckties know how to buy shirts and tie knots… I could sleep in one (and have, but not lately).